| Author | Message | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5076 Registered: 07-2001 |
If I Were a List If I were a color, I would be jade, hidden in the mountains of the Valley of the Gun, a flash of brilliance as mallards wing beyond the moon, the last color seen as the sun sets west of Waikiki, the ring on her finger. If I were a shape, I would be no shape, the wind’s shape, the shape of clouds and rain, wet feathers, the river’s course to the sea, fog and surf. If I were a movement, I would be still as a toddler without his nap; newlyweds in a circular bed; the earth’s wobble; the click of beads between a monk’s fingers, a matriarch’s. If I were a sound, I would be SNAP - green beans; lightening; the first indication rocks and snow will soon obliterate the village, it’s poetry lost beneath a melting glacier; the frog jumps. If I were a number, I would be Zero, the One split into Two, each half joined. If I were a car, I would be a 57 Chevy, stock, original leather, radio, new tires and fresh gas; never driven – a tank without power steering, power brakes, pollution control, a cd player, cup holder – a gas hog. If I were a chair, I would be this chair, - oak molded to my butt, the uncomfortable perch where I pen footstools. I should be library shelves. If I were food, I would be digested, squeezed and dropped. If I were a tree, I would be cedar, a tool pole, carved into the totems of my life; my words inscribed between each; fallen in the forest where no one can hear it rot and nurse hemlock, fir and fern. I am afraid I will find my fifteen minutes of fame lasts seven minutes, yet never seems to end. I am afraid of death. I am afraid of what she will say after the night is done. I am afraid of the news. I am afraid of stray cats and their thousand-mile stare. I am unafraid. What hides behind my eyes? Lift the lid and if you can see it, you may take it home to raise and nurture as a boon companion. If I were, I would wonder if I was. The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2553 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Gary This is nice stuff. You have me in the palm of your hand... I know, If you were a palm, I'd be in it  until that is "my fifteen minutes of fame" where you leave off the lovely nature imagery and give us a stock phrase. I feel the same way about the heard-before "boon companion" -- I think you need to lift those parts up to the high level of quality elsewhere in the piece. Good luck, Gary. All my best Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| Morgan Lafay
Intermediate Member Username: morganlafay Post Number: 444 Registered: 08-2005 |
Mr. Meister Nehi Hoister, Oh my, this was such an enjoyable read! What a list and so descriptive. Loved it all, but especially "color; movement; sound; afraid..." No critique from me...just enjoyment  Best, Morgan | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5409 Registered: 11-1998 |
Nice to see that the Workshop Exercise inspired such a great piece, Mr. B. Very enlightening poem, very psychologically deep and informative. I can see this poet and feel he is a friend. Wait a minute -- he is! *LOL* | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 132 Registered: 01-2005 |
Gary, What a rich reading experience this is!! Truly enjoyed. The only spot I wondered about is the toddler being "still" without his nap --seems to me the toddler would be rambunctious without that nap--but then what do I know. Thanks for this! Teresa | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1919 Registered: 08-2003 |
Gar, Food for digestion, maybe some different enjamb. If I Were a List If I were a color, I would be jade, hidden in the mountains of the Valley of the Gun, a flash of brilliance as mallards wing beyond the moon, the last color seen as the sun sets west of Waikiki, the ring on her finger. If I were a shape, I would be no shape, the wind’s shape, the shape of clouds and rain, wet feathers, the river’s course to the sea, fog and surf. If I were a movement, I would be still as a toddler without his nap; newlyweds in a circular bed; the earth’s wobble; the click of beads between a monk’s fingers, a matriarch’s. If I were a sound, I would be SNAP - green beans; lightening; the first indication rocks and snow will soon obliterate the village, it’s poetry lost beneath a melting glacier; the frog jumps. If I were a number, I would be Zero, the One split into Two, each half joined. If I were a car, I would be a 57 Chevy, stock, original leather, radio, new tires and fresh gas; never driven – a tank without power steering, power brakes, pollution control, a cd player, cup holder – a gas hog. If I were a chair, I would be this chair, - oak molded to my butt, the uncomfortable perch where I pen footstools. I should be library shelves. If I were food, I would be digested, squeezed and dropped. If I were a tree, I would be cedar, a tool pole, carved into the totems of my life; my words inscribed between each; fallen in the forest where no one can hear it rot and nurse hemlock, fir and fern. I am afraid I will find my fifteen minutes of fame lasts seven minutes, yet never seems to end. I am afraid of death. I am afraid of what she will say after the night is done. I am afraid of the news. I am afraid of stray cats and their thousand-mile stare. I am unafraid. What hides behind my eyes? Lift the lid and if you can see it, you may take it home to raise and nurture as a boon companion. If I were, I would wonder if I was. E | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1281 Registered: 11-2003 |
i like emusing's changes to line breaks. very interesting poem, very enjoyable read, lots of fun laurie | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1435 Registered: 11-2004 |
Gary~ This is delicious! My favorite... the 4th... I love the sounds! All grand and rich. One of my favorites of yours... and that says a lot. take care~dale | ||
| karen
Member Username: trig Post Number: 98 Registered: 09-2005 |
oh yes!...and I like E s suggestions this screamed read me. so I did and enjoyed it I like what hides behind your eyes | ||
| Penelope
Valued Member Username: penelope Post Number: 274 Registered: 07-2005 |
Gary, I caught this in the Workshop exercise and thought this is where it should be. I really enjoyed it. Penelope | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5098 Registered: 07-2001 |
The first question is with another list (appliances vs furniture, plants vs food, etc) would the poem be different? Is the poem from the list or the list from the poem? Chris: I see your point, but I want the 15 minute cliche, the boon I'm not so married to. Mary Jane: You see a friend? Not that we are not, but if you read this as a stranger's? E, sorry, but I don't. I wanted the Whitman-like format, something similar to I Hear America Sing. Teresa, a style of mine - the obviously should not be... Thanks all for the kind words, and Steve for the exercises. Smiles. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| Lazarus
New member Username: lazarus Post Number: 6 Registered: 10-2005 |
Gary- FYI I couldn't read your version. Scrolled down to E's and there it was, just a beautiful bit of prose. I ate it up. All of it (even the cliches). The thing that threw me looking back now and comparing is the commas. I'm not a big fan of overusing commas. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5103 Registered: 07-2001 |
Could not read mine? Puzzled. I am not a fan of their overuse either, and if I formated as E did, I would repunctuate. Thanks. Gary btw, putting it into some enjambment scheme would work, but what would a Gary version be? The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5417 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest Friend -- if it were a stranger's? Then I would want to know this poet. He has a sensibility and a knowledge of himself that I find very appealing. As to form, keep it as it is (sorry to disagree with E). I saw Whitman in it and it did bring to mind that poem of his you mentioned. | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1929 Registered: 08-2003 |
Gar dear, Please keep the form you like. I was tinkering. I've read one Whitman poem in my life, so this came from E's head. Maybe I'm channeling Walt??? Smiles! E | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2777 Registered: 09-2002 |
Gary, all wonderful, honest, true, and very Dawg. Thanks. Best, Kathryn | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3053 Registered: 07-2002 |
Mr. B--I enjoyed the read. My favorite: If I were a shape, I would be no shape, the wind’s shape, the shape of clouds and rain, wet feathers, the river’s course to the sea, fog and surf. Reads like a zen koan, my friend. *bow* best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Lazarus
New member Username: lazarus Post Number: 11 Registered: 10-2005 |
You ask why I would say I couldn't read your original form; I can only say for me it wasn't a pleasant experience. I think the pauses work well as in the stanza below. I can really stop at l.4. I'm not forced to assimilate it all too quickly. If I were a shape I would be no shape, the wind’s shape, the shape of clouds and rain, wet feathers, the river’s course to the sea, fog and surf. Or it may have something to do with my page width, which I had rather small, and the page adjusted. Then again, Gary's way might be much better. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5105 Registered: 07-2001 |
Lisa, Kathyrn, thanks. Miss MJ - thanks. I must admit I'm not sure I would seek friendship with anyone who is the food line. Though I might reach out to the tree. E, of course, but the idea of how it might look is interesting. And in more conventional stanzas, it would be a different poem A color, I would be jade, hidden in the mountains of the Valley, a flash of mallards beyond the moon, sun set west of Waikiki, the ring on her finger. or not Lazarus, unpleasant. The words, it's appearance on the page, the mood/idea? Smiles. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| Lazarus
New member Username: lazarus Post Number: 16 Registered: 10-2005 |
Oh no! Not the words. The reading experience. I am reading a lot of poetry lately. I might be overloading but I can't stop! So my eyes tell my stomach when it it safe to continue reading. Since this was an exercise can I assume that you don't intend for the original post to be a final form? For immediacy I would even like the stanza you picked to read: I am jade, hidden in the mountains of the Valley, a flash of mallards beyond the moon, sun set west of Waikiki, the ring on her finger. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5106 Registered: 07-2001 |
L, I do not know if I will do anything more with it...never do until time to do... Smiles. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2597 Registered: 12-2003 |
Gary, chiming in late here. Enjoyed this very much. And of course if you change format where would the Gary go, but that would be another poem. Have you tried it in Song or Cinq? LOL!!! K | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 171 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi Gar Hey I was impressed with this the first time I read it, and I still am. Glad to see the excercise spawned such fine work. and yes i agree, prose paragraphs for this. s | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5112 Registered: 07-2001 |
Kathy, maybe sedokas. Grins. Thanks much. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ |
